Post by Ali on Apr 28, 2004 9:06:45 GMT -5
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
>
> After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
>
> The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
> pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
>
> If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
>
> So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
> sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
>
> Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on
> the door:
>
> 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp..
>
> 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
>
> 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
>
> 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
>
> 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
>
> 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
>
> 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
and the Spook.
>
> 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
>
> 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say
he was stoned off his ass.
>
> 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
>
> 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
> eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
>
> 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
>
> 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
> the grub, yeah God.
>
> 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not
a
> peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
>
> After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
>
> The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
> pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
>
> If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
>
> So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
> sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
>
> Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on
> the door:
>
> 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp..
>
> 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
>
> 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
>
> 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
>
> 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
>
> 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
>
> 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
and the Spook.
>
> 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
>
> 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say
he was stoned off his ass.
>
> 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
>
> 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
> eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
>
> 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
>
> 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
> the grub, yeah God.
>
> 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not
a
> peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.